Pick Your Own Adventure On The World’s Largest Professional Network
By Rachel Bellington
[Type ProfessionalNetwork.com into your browser.] -> GO TO SECTION 1
[You are more than a corporate form summary of your skills and you are ok with working at the communist bookstore forever and eventually dying broke and alone in a third rate city that was giving houses away for free.] -> GO TO SECTION 2
Watch everything important you have ever done in your life be transformed into an inadequate CV line that makes you look like a tool.
[You’re ok with looking like a tool. It’s called professionalism.] -> GO TO SECTION 3
[You are a tool.]-> GO TO SECTION 4
Who fed you that communism sandwich? Go back to the beginning, rethink your stupid ass life decisions, type ProfessionalNetwork.com into your browser and then proceed to Section 1.
Realize quickly that professionalization is synonymous with morphing into a human tool. You are a tool. -> GO TO SECTION 4
Lie ceaselessly about your past work experience and qualifications. This is about connecting. This is about being found. Power your career with the sheer force of your willingness to make yourself into a shiny product that someone wants to buy to put in a cubicle and watch die. You are CREATIVE and RESOURCEFUL. So resourceful that you know how to make your experience working the cash register at the communist bookstore into “Development Director of Local Literary Nonprofit (2005-Present).”
[Pay your weed dealer to be your reference and impersonate your boss] -> GO TO SECTION 5
[Put down your own phone number as your boss’s contact phone number. You were pretty good at a variety of accents in your high school drama class] -> GO TO SECTION 6
Your weed dealer performs magnificently. You are hired immediately. You are given a cubicle and dental insurance. You make business recommendations and endorse your co-workers’ skills on a wide variety of virtual platforms and decades pass and you a grow weird thing on your back and adopt a cat with one eye. You are a businessman. You are one with business. You are bussiness. You are a master of the spreadsheet. You are a spreadsheet. You die. -> GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING or CHOOSE TO BE REBORN AS AN ANIMAL
The first three companies that interview you and call your “reference” can tell that you are pretending to be your boss (your British accent isn’t that good) and ask you outright, “Sir, are you the job candidate?” You despair. Then, ProfessionalNetwork.com, as in the company motherboard of all business companies, calls you and asks if you want to work for them in development. You are so endorsed. You are so experienced. You are so linked in. They do not even bother to call any of your references because your internet presence is such a well crafted piece of art. You are art. You begin to think of your life as a ProfessionalNetwork.com employee as a form of performance art.
[You make your masterwork known in your lifetime]-> GO TO SECTION 7
[You take your masterwork to the grave where your genius is revealed upon your death]-> GO TO SECTION 8
Marina Abramovic declares your work revealing of, “one of the great intellects of our time.” At the age of 65 the Guggenheim exhibits your entire internet presence since the creation of your first ProfessionalNetwork profile. Your corporate emails are projected onto the white ceiling where they scroll endlessly (and without attention to confidentiality) for months. The work is so groundbreaking and popular that the museum keeps the email projection as a permanent installation. You die, tragically only days after the grand opening, which only further immortalizes you in the art world. -> GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING or UPLOAD YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS ONTO A COMPUTER
After your death an art school student who self-identifies as an “internet archaeologist” discovers your ProfessionalNetwork.com profile history and exhibits it alongside “Craigslist Mirrors” at the Tate. Art critics immediately establish the work as a vital and ingenious commentary on the inevitable decay of a capitalistic society. While on display at the Tate a young politician views the work and cites it, publicly, as exemplary of the necessity for the impending communist revolution. Capitalism is overthrown worldwide. -> GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING or HAVE YOUR BODY EXHUMED AND EMBALMED AND DISPLAYED PUBLICLY SO THAT GRATEFUL CITIZENS CAN CRY JOYOUS TEARS OF LOVE WHEN THEY LOOK UPON YOUR EARTHLY REMAINS